Run Away From the Pain
by bloodiedtwilightroses
Summary: When two boys can't seem to get their feelings straight it will send both their lives into chaos. How will either of them survive? Rated M for later chapters.
1. Chapter 1

**Warning: Fan fictions may cause fan girl squeals, fainting, sexiness, laughing, crying, and fawning.**

**Caution: my fan fictions may contain Moe, smut, yaoi, violence, rape, yaoi, sexual or adult content, swearing, and/ or yaoi. Did I mention yaoi?**

**Disclaimer: I do not own D. Gray Man or there would be more yaoi A LOT MORE YOAI**

**Summary: When two boys can't seem to get their feelings straight it will send both their lives into chaos. How will either of them survive?**

**Chapter 1: One Can Only Handle So Much Pain**

It hurt me watching them. Maybe because even though he hated both of us he had a preference for Lavi. I sat there peering around a corner as I watch them talk. Lavi laughed and poked at him, just trying to draw a smile out of my stoic crush. He looked like he couldn't care less, but I knew that if it were me I'd be running because he'd have tried to kill me by now. What did I do to have him hate me so much? Why was I so throughly annoying to him? What do I do that makes him mad? So many questions buzzed through my mind. I couldn't watch Lavi attempt to flirt with Yuu any more.

I plodded to my room rather upset and locked the door. It was nearly lunch time but after watching that I couldn't help but not feel the least bit hungry. Some one would come eventually for me wondering if I had died because I wasn't down in the mess hall eating. It'd likely be Lenalee or Lavi and I hope if they did send someone it'd be Lenalee I don't think I could look at Lavi right now...

As expected not even 10 minutes after 12, my usual eating time, a knock sounded on my door and I opened it. However I didn't expect to see a long haired samuri at my door. He seemed throughly angry about having to be sent to get me and not wanting him to come all this way for nothing I followed him out to the mess hall.

I didn't order nearly half as much as I normally do and Jerry seemed confused but he didn't press on. People tried talking to me but my word comprehension just wasn't there today. I tried not to stare over at Yuu sitting across from me. It was hard but I did it. I mainly kept my eyes on Lenalee's and talked as I normally would. She seemed to catch on though and when I was done eating she pulled me aside. She asked me what was wrong, why wasn't I eating, was I sick, was I hurt. So many questions it began to hurt my head and then she asked the one question I couldn't handle.

"Is it Kanda? I've noticed how strained you seem around him," She just didn't know how right that was.

The tears I've been holding back for months streamed down my face. Lenalee was shocked she was used to seeing me cry. She didn't know to react she just hugged me and tried to calm me down. It's like she could read exactly what I thought. "It's okay Allen, don't cry, maybe he just doesn't realize how you feel," Her words didn't help me I just cried until I couldn't cry anymore.

Eventually I did calm down however, I spilled my long held secret to her and she said that she had a feeling that's how I felt for a while now. She tried her best to comfort me, from telling me I could move on to even trying to hep me better confess my feelings. "I love you," I stated, the words seemed foreign in my mouth. She told me I just needed to practice it and maybe it'll be easier just to come out and confess. Until then she said I could come to her to talk about it.

It meant a lot to me knowing there was someone here I could talk to without getting judged.

From that day I would go on with my normal routine but every so often when no one was around I'd sneak into Lenalee's room and we'd sit there and talk. It wasn't always about Yuu sometimes we'd talk about the hard ships of being an exorsist among other things. Yuu was our main subject though.

While talking with Lenalee did help what didn't was it seemed Yuu only began to hate me more and more. He refused missions with me insisting upon someone else or he wouldn't go. He refused to talk to me and I watched as he and Lavi only got closer and closer. I don't know if I could possibly watch another minute of him near Lavi instead of me. It was driving me insane to watch this.

Lenalee left for a big mission by herself and Lavi and Kanda are off on a mission together. I couldn't have felt more alone or upset. I couldn't smile anymore it hurt me to even think of smiling. One night, shortly after Yuu and Lavi's return, I was coming back to my room after a late night meal to see Yuu walking out of Lavi's room saying, "Good Night Lavi and next time try not to be so rough." I couldn't take it I ran to my room and slammed the door locking it. I couldn't handle this on my own and Lenalee wasn't here for me now either. I saw a small razor blade glisten in the moonlight in my room and I reached for it. I released every emotion in me last night as I sobbed.

The next day I wore my coat lucky it was winter so it wasn't abnormal looking. Lenalee hasn't been heard from for a week now. I walked around like I was fine a fake smiling mask on my face. I was about to turn a corner when I heard Yuu's voice. "Lavi, shut up, don't let anyone hear you!"

"Oh come on Yuu, it's going to get out sooner or later," Lavi's voice sounded back.

I really didn't like the sound of this but what Kanda said next, I just couldn't hold it together. "Shut up! I'm not as open about being gay as you are! No don't touch me!"

I could feel my heart drop to my stomach. It was true, he was with Lavi, I could feel my whole exsistence shatter infront of me. I couldn't take it I ran to my room, wrote a quick note grabbed my things and left. I didn't grab timcampy, I didn't close my door, I didn't clean the mess I had made last night, and I didn't look back. I couldn't look back I knew if I had looked back I wouldn't have been able to leave. I had to leave being there with him killed me. I couldn't go on living there so I left. To go where, I didn't know I just left. Leaving Timcampy, the one who held my heart, and a note that read,

_"To who ever reads this note,_

_I have run off and I shall not be coming back. I can not stand to be there any longer as the one thing that could bound me this mortal exsistance hates me. Do not look for me and if you see Yuu tell him, I'm sorry._

_Allen"_


	2. Chapter 2

**Warning: Fan fictions may cause fan girl squeals, fainting, sexiness, laughing, crying, and fawning.**

**Caution: my fan fictions may contain Moe, smut, yaoi, violence, rape, yaoi, sexual or adult content, swearing, and/ or yaoi. Did I mention yaoi?**

**Disclaimer: I do not own D. Gray Man or there would be more yaoi A LOT MORE YOAI**

**Summary: When two boys can't seem to get their feelings straight it will send both their lives into chaos. How will either of them survive?**

**Chapter 2: Misunderstandings**

"Come on smile Yuu, I'm sure he wasn't that fixated on Lenalee this morning," The Baka Usagi poked at me and laughed trying to cheer me up. "I mean sure he refuses to look at you but I'm sure he's not staring at her!"

"You're not helping me, maybe I should just stop doing missions with him, everything I say comes out wrong, and I'm sure he hates me now," I grumbled. That Baka Moyashi, I try to keep my cool but my tongue gets tied and I just get so frustrated. I'd just tell Komui working with Moyashi lessens my productivity. Yeah, that's it and if he doesn't listen I'll just bribe him with something, I don't know what but something.

"I don't know how that'll work out, but come on let's go get some lunch," He suggested trying to keep my spirits up but it wasn't going to work.

I walk in there and order my usual, sit at my usual spot, but there was something unusual about this scene. Moyashi wasn't here, Lenalee wasn't here yet to go get him, and Usagi had gotten distracted by yet another conversation with Jerry. If no one else was going I would, Moyashi doesn't just skip meals. I knocked on his door and when he opened his door he looked generally shocked.

I thought I'd have to just walk back alone but he followed me and when we got to the mess hall he didn't order his usual amount. I silently and indifferently ate my food but I honestly couldn't help but worry about him. He hasn't been himself for a few weeks now, and though I'd never admit aloud, I was worried.

I tried to focus on the fact that I was worried about him as I saw him just sit there and stare at Lenalee. I know I normally want to kill people but I'd love to kill her more than anyone else. I couldn't stand her, sitting there like having his attention was nothing.

When Moyashi put his dishes away, Lenalee instantly dragged him away. How can she just talk to him so openly like that? How didn't she get tongue tied? I sighed, I couldn't eat anymore and through out my left overs. I left the mess hall and walked away, sulking.

"I love you," Moyashi's shaking voice rang out in the empty hallways. I didn't care who he was saying it to because it wasn't me. I marched the opposite direction towards the training room. I needed to let off steam, NOW!

There was no way I could go on missions with Moyashi now, it hurt too much. Not to mention the countless times I'd seen him sneak in and out of Lenalee's room. There had to be something going on between them.

As I saw his visits with Lenalee get more and more frequent my trips to talk to the Baka Usagi increased. Though he was annoying he knew more about being gay than I did. I didn't have anyone else to turn to, he's all I had for advice and if I wasn't so desperate I wouldn't have needed any.

One night, after Usagi and I got back from a mission, I went to Usagi's room to talk. The baka thought it would be funny to say in Moyashi's voice, "Oh Yuu-kun take me I'm yours!"

I almost killed him but he shoved me off the bed we were discussing on, straight onto my ass which then hurt. I got up and left saying as I shut the door, "Good Night Lavi and next time try not to be so rough." I went to my room to go grab some shut eye though it was hard to lie comfortably when your ass hurts.

The next morning Usagi said plain as day in the hallway, "You know, you should really just walk up to Allen-kun and just tell him how much you love him."

"Lavi, shut up, don't let anyone hear you," I shouted in a hushed voice. It wasn't to early in the morning, people would be waking up soon, especially Moyashi.

"Oh come on Yuu, it's going to get out sooner or later," He sounded back. This wasn't funny at all, if Moyashi heard him, I'd kill myself, even if it's impossible.

"Shut up! I'm not as open about being gay as you are," I shouted back. I couldn't handle the thought of him finding out. "No don't touch me," I shouted as Usagi reached out and put his hand on my shoulder, trying to be comforting after such a cruel thing.

I stormed away from him. I simply walked about the order until I came across Moyashi's room, who's door was wide open. I piered in and I imdeately did not like what I saw. There was blood splatters on the ground, all his clothes were missing and a sheet of white paper was on the ground. I walked in and read the paper, my face turning whiter than the page. This wasn't good, I had to find him. With out grabbing anything or telling anyone I ran outside, dropping the note behind me.

He couldn't have gotten far, could he?


	3. A Quick Filler and Message for my Editor

**Warning: Fan fictions may cause fan girl squeals, fainting, sexiness, laughing, crying, and fawning.**

**Caution: my fan fictions may contain Moe, smut, yaoi, violence, rape, yaoi, sexual or adult content, swearing, and/ or yaoi. Did I mention yaoi?**

**Disclaimer: I do not own D. Gray Man or there would be more yaoi A LOT MORE YOAI**

**Summary: When two boys can't seem to get their feelings straight it will send both their lives into chaos. How will either of them survive?**

**Chapter 3:**

Okay so I was wrong, he could've definitely gone far, and without anyone so much as noticing him! How could I ever find him!? 3 months of searching and nothing! No, I can't give up, I clearly said or did something that made him want to leave. I could not be able to handle that on my conscience. Beside, I hadn't told him how I truely felt about him, and I couldn't go on anymore if I didn't tell him.

So, when a Moyashi is upset, where do they run away to? Their parents, well, that's not an option. Hmmm, he's only about 15 or so... So where do teens go when they run away. My stomach growled just as I knew the answer was about to come to me. I needed to eat soon, thinking of that I wonder when the last time Moyashi ate was. He's probally dying somewhere from lack of food.

I walked around searching for some place to eat, with a slight hope to see Allen in one of the resteraunts and despair as each one proves to be Moyashi-less.

**A/N: Now I know this is an extremly short chapter but at this point I'm stuck until my friend and editor Banana King Foy messages me and help me figure out how to tie the plot I have for the story together with the actual plot of the manga.**


	4. A Finish to Chapter 3

**Warning: Fan fictions may cause fan girl squeals, fainting, sexiness, laughing, crying, and fawning.**

**Caution: my fan fictions may contain Moe, smut, yaoi, violence, rape, yaoi, sexual or adult content, swearing, and/ or yaoi. Did I mention yaoi?**

**Disclaimer: I do not own D. Gray Man or there would be more yaoi A LOT MORE YOAI**

**Summary: When two boys can't seem to get their feelings straight it will send both their lives into chaos. How will either of them survive?**

**A/N: Okay so I was thinking about how to bring the manga together with my fanfiction and then it hit me like a truck. Since when did I care what really happened in the manga compared to my fanFICTION so I said forget being realistic with the story I'm going to just do it my way!**

**Chapter 3 (Finishing the chapter)**

I was really getting frustrated at this point. When and if I found Moyashi, I'm going to ring his neck till his passes out! I've searched town after town, city after city, village after village, and yet still no Moyashi!

I can't say I was really that mad at him but more so worried that boy is likely to have died at this point if he hasn't found a source of steady food yet. It's just so frustrating to be searching for him and not find him. I mean yea he's short and sorta easy to miss in a crowd but still! He had white hair for God's sake, how can I not notice him!

My feet finally can't take anymore, I need to sit down. I sit down on a bench in a park in some city. I know he's in this city somewhere I can just feel it. I looked infront of me to see some clown handing out flyers. I felt like beating the shit out of this clown and yet at the same time hugging him. I just let the feeling pass as the clown walked away. I didn't have time for clowns, I needed to find Moyashi!


	5. Chapter 4

**Warning: Fan fictions may cause fan girl squeals, fainting, sexiness, laughing, crying, and fawning.**

**Caution: my fan fictions may contain Moe, smut, yaoi, violence, rape, yaoi, sexual or adult content, swearing, and/ or yaoi. Did I mention yaoi?**

**Disclaimer: I do not own D. Gray Man or there would be more yaoi A LOT MORE YOAI**

**Summary: When two boys can't seem to get their feelings straight it will send both their lives into chaos. How will either of them survive?**

**A/N: Sorry about the long update but drumline practice started so I'll be taking a while and I'm sorry it's so short to I'll work harder on longer chapters I promise once I get all my inspiration bunnies captured!**

**Chapter 4: Don't Play in a Storm!**

**It's been weeks since I first spotted this clown and I think it's following me because everytime I go to follow Moyashi, this clown appears! If I see that clown's stupid smiling face one more time, I'm beating it's face in!... Kanda snap out of it! Stop worrying about the clown you have bigger issues like finding that damn Moyashi! 6 months, it's been 6 god damned months since I last saw that damn Moyashi and if I don't find him soon I was going to lose my damn mind!**

**I could see a storm brewing, I hope that damn Moyashi found some shelter. I wasn't going to stop looking though, I mean what if he didn't and he was stuck out in the middle of this huge storm that's coming! I kept searching and I felt the rain beggining to fall. It wasn't long before the rain was coming down hard. It wasn't going to stop me, not many people were out now and the ones that were had umbrella's but then I heard it, "Come one, come all to Mana's Black Circus!"**

**I whipped around, there was that damned clown, standing in the freaking storm with flyers, shouting and flailing like an idoit, trying to get attention. There was no stopping me now I'm going to beat the shit out of this clown! I rushed over and the clown saw me saying, "Hello sir would you like a fl-!"**

**I had mugen drawn but right as I was about to strike him dead, I stopped staring into intense grey eyes. "M-M-Moyashi?!"**

**"Ba-Bakanda!?"**


	6. Chapter 5

**Warning: Fan fictions may cause fan girl squeals, fainting, sexiness, laughing, crying, and fawning.**

**Caution: my fan fictions may contain Moe, smut, yaoi, violence, rape, yaoi, sexual or adult content, swearing, and/ or yaoi. Did I mention yaoi?**

**Disclaimer: I do not own D. Gray Man or there would be more yaoi A LOT MORE YOAI**

**Summary: When two boys can't seem to get their feelings straight it will send both their lives into chaos. How will either of them survive?**

**A/N: Gomen a sai! Please don't hate me for my late updates! I just have a lot going on, I'm trying very hard though! I promise for the late update I will make this chapter long and I'll write a Christmas one-shot for a different couple and I'll even through in a Lemon later on for this story!**

**Chapter 5: My fault**

Neither of us moved we stared at each other, shock echted into both of our face. At the moment I wasn't sure if I should hug him or beat him into a pulp. I really wanted to do both right now, I mean he just left with no warning, made me hunt him down, and be worried sick about him but yet I just wanted to pick him up and hug him until he couldn't feel his ribs anymore. The debate raged on in my mind as I stared at him shock being my only expression.

"Wh-what are you doing here," He was first to break the silence and although he stuttered I could hear the anger laced in his voice.

I didn't like him being mad, I mean I'm the one who should be mad! "I came to get you what does it look like you baka Moyashi," I laced all the anger I could into my words trying to hide my excitement to see him.

"Well it was a wasted effort just go back to Lavi," He sounded mad but a lingering sound of heart break held and all I could do was wonder why he was so upset and what that baka Usagi had to do with anything.

"Don't fight me on this, I'm tired and hungry and I'd rather not drag you back by your hair," I wanted to tell him I missed him, that I was worried sick the whole time, I wanted to hug him, I wanted to ask him why he'd bring up that baka Usagi but his eyes looked so betrayed and mad, not to mention there's my pride wouldn't let me even if I tried.

"I'm not going back BaKanda, just go home," He turned to walk away. I did the only thing I could think of... I grabbed him by the ponytail and drug him away.

I kept walking even as he squirmed, yelled, kicked, and screamed. What he said next made me stop in my tracks though.

"Let go! I hate you! Leave me alone you god foresaken Usagi-lover! I fucking hate you!"

I whipped around and pulled him up by his wrist. I saw tears that were welled up in his eyes, he tried to look stern and angry but a heart broken expression broke through his facade.

"Let go of me.. Please just go home... I can't stand to look at you any longer.. not when I know he's won.."

"What the fuck are you babbling on about," It wasn't a loving comforting thing but it's all I could think of after such a thing.

He sniffled as each word seemed to choke him. "You know damn well what I'm fucking babbling about! I know what you and that damn red head are up to!"

If I was pissed before, i don't remember cause now I'm just confused.

"I've seen the way you two are with each other, acting like you hate each other but the moment you're alone you get straight to fucking."

I had to force down the bile that threated to come up at that moment, he thought me and Usagi did... THAT! "Are you fucking stupid or something," I know I'm not the most.. emotional person especially when it comes to my words or understanding others, but I really hoped this was some sort of sick joke.

"I saw you leaving Lavi's room the night I left, you were holding you're ass saying next time he should be more gentle, even an "idiot" like me knows what that means! That's why I left you idoit! I couldn't sit back and watch as that pervert had his way with the person I..." He looked down, his voice dropped I almost didn't catch the last bit of it. The last word shocked me, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt like an idoit as the word escaped from his lips, "love..."

I let go as he crumpled to the ground and cried. He what?! I what!? i was frozen in shock, so this whole thing was my fault. I was blind and couldn't see what I was doing hurt him. This whole thing could've been stopped if I had just taken that baka Usuagi's advice in the first place. If I had just said something, the Moyashi I love wouldn't be infront of me, broken, sobbing, and god knows how many miles from home... It was my fault, all my fault...

He'll never forgive me for this.. I'll never be able to forgive myself.. I can't face him anymore... I could feel a weird substance falling down my cheeks, it was warm not cold like the rain... I was crying... I can't let him see me cry... I bowed my head quickly and muttered, trying to keep the sobs from wrecking my calm façade, "I'm sorry... forgive me... Allen..." With that I ran. I ran till I couldn't run anymore and even then I pushed myself and ran faster

**A/N: Please excuse my sudden change in writing, I feel like I went from my normal, morbid writing to suddenly cracky... I'll do better I promise!**


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